Saying goodbye

I wish I had some good news but I am saddened to pass along the news of SIL's passing.  Julie passed away peacefully Saturday afternoon at MD Anderson with friends and family by her side.  

She has been struggling with her cancer for the past two years with various degrees of success but, ultimately the cancer spread and took her light.  She went into the hospital two weeks ago in a good deal of pain and nausea.  They tried to stem the pain and give her some comfort, but the cancer had spread to the point it that not much could be done.  The past few days were hard on everyone.  She had been slowly declining since the weekend and things did not look promising.  Along with my wife and I, several of Julie’s friends took turns staying with her at the hospital so she had someone with her.  Our son drove down Friday afternoon to see her as well.  We went up to the hospital Saturday to sit with her and her friend, not really sure how much time she had.  She passed away quietly around 3:00 pm with my wife by her side.       

This has been long in coming.  Julie was nephrologist (kidney doctor) and knew the score.  Ever since she was diagnosed 2+ years ago, she was pessimistic about her chances but chose to fight it regardless.  Despite all of the obstacles thrown her way, she kept fighting it.  Several months back, she and her oncologist decided the chemo wasn't doing anything but making her sick and stopped the treatments.  Afterwards, she seemed resigned to her fate.  My wife stayed with her throughout the entire process.  Staying at home with her, the multiple trips to the hospital/ER, taking care of her treatments.  She set aside a lot of things to be at her sister's side, providing some comfort.  I'll have to admit, it wasn't easy, I am not sure I would have had the stamina to do it.  

To provide some minor respite, we tried to get her out of the house for a day just to break the routine, even if for a short while.  She loved spending Saturday afternoons over at my brother's garage (GRAJ).  Between talking on cars, family, dogs and eating something from the grill, it was something that enabled all of us to forget about life for a while.   My wife would bring her over to our house every other day as another break.  Julie loved walking the dogs with me when I got home, even if it was 98 degrees outside.  She looked forward to it, it gave her some relief from the pain, and the dogs certainly didn't object.    We spend a lot of time discussing her status while walking the dogs.  We covered a lot of topics, ideas, questions.  I broached the subject of her final wishes.  With her mother's passing earlier this year, she decided to be cremated but did not want to be buried back at the family plot in Arkansas.  Instead, she wanted to remain with us, although, we haven't determined where we will wind up.  I told her that I wanted to be cremated as well but, in lieu of a burial, I wanted my ashes spread over Kyle Field.  Fat chances of that happening - something about some sort of regulations against that.  I was not trying to be morbid on these discussions and she felt some relief to unload on me as it was hard to discuss these issues with my wife.  We also talked/debated about a memorial service.  She did not really want one because she didn't want to burden everyone and didn't want people to feel sorry for her but  I kinda convinced her that her family and friends might want to have one, if for anything to remember and honor her life - sort of a sense of closure for everyone.  We have yet to figure out any details (still too painful to consider), but we have debated using the local church near the medical center.  That way a lot of her coworkers and friends could attend.

Right now, things are moving slowly.  Understandably, momma is exhausted.  I am taking off this week to help settle her affairs, play chauffeur, clean out litter boxes and serve as a general roustabout.   

The long goodbye

I haven't posted much about my SIL lately.  Honestly, guys, it wasn't because I didn't care or want to share, but, the news just really hasn't been good.  SIL has been fighting the good fight and struggling against her cancer but the journey hasn't been easy. 

Julie went under the knife almost 2 years ago and it has been a struggle ever since.  A lot of infections, much pain, many trips back to the hospital.  

This past weekend we did our weekend trip across town to my brother's garage.  Sort of a break from the routine/rut but I think that Julie felt she needed one more last time with the family.  My son and his wife were down for the weekend and got to spend some time with her.  It was a good time but Julie was in a lot of pain and really not feeling well.  I think it was because she felt this was the last time she would be at the GRAJ.  We kept an eye on her and kept asking if she wanted to leave early.  We did finally pull out early and, on the way home, she and my wife decided that she needed to go to the hospital to try and see if they can do something about the pain.  She checked in late Saturday night and they diagnosed her with pancreatitis.  They were able to deal with it somewhat but she is in a lot of pain and is very tired.  They moved her to palliative hospice care to try and dial in her pain meds and she has been there all week.  My wife has been up there most days and I have been going up in the afternoons to sit with her and give her a little company.  She is struggling and discouraged and ready to go.  Her doctor friends have been by several times and have talked with us on the side and have been pretty honest with their thoughts/opinions.  Her chances of getting any better are pretty nil.  The cancer has metastasized into her lungs and has made it hard for her to breath.  We are headed up to the hospital now to sit with her and talk about what she wants to do.  Julie just turned 62 two weeks ago and the past two years have been very hard her and my wife.  We are preparing for the inevitable but I know this will devastate my wife.  I know that Julie has thanked me for being there this week but I feel really helpless.  All I can do is be there for her and her sister.  It is no longer a matter of if, but a matter of when.  Everyone asks if they can do anything but it is really in the Lord's hands right now.  

A long life, a bittersweet farewell

Sorry for the lack of posts.  I've been sick, hurt my neck, and generally haven't had anything interesting or meaningful to post (good or bad).  

My wife's mom passed away on Saturday.  Not exactly how we had intended to spend Valentine's day but life moves forward despite our calendars.

Anne had been in an assisted living home since last year.  Several years ago, my wife and her sister decided that they would take care of their parents at home for as long as they could.  Both David and Anne had been suffering from various ailments over the years - Alzheimer's, hip replacements, pacemakers, dementia, blindness all of which limited their mobility and activities.  David was in and out of the hospital the last few years with infections and illnesses.  At one point over Easter weekend when we were at the hospital, I honestly thought he wasn't going to survive the night but I was wrong.  David passed away two years ago in hospice care.  

Before her cancer surgery last year, both SIL and my wife decided that they could not take care of her during SIL's recovery and it was time to consider assisted living.  That was a hard decision for them to make and took a lot of heated debate.  Lots of unsolicited advice and opinions were offered by the rest of the family but ultimately it was their call and I respected their choice.

For the past year, Anne has been doing well in the home.  She was well cared for and had been stable for a long while.  Friday afternoon she started having problems breathing and the hospice nurse called us and said she was going downhill.  My wife and SIL went up to the home Friday to spend the evening with her.  She wasn't fully conscious but she seemed to recognize them being there.  They left late in the evening and were planning to go back up on Saturday when the nurse called and said she had passed peacefully.   

Given her age (91) and ailments, we had expected this day would come.  Given that, we were still not fully prepared.  The suddenness of her passing is what caught us off guard.  We felt that we would be sitting with her for at least the weekend or longer.  My wife was torn up from not being there when she passed.  We spent the afternoon with her saying our final good-byes.  My son and his wife were on their way down from Austin but did not make it in time.  We did spend the weekend with them remembering Anne and all of the good times/stories.  

Now comes the post plans.  People keep asking me what we are going to do.  Both Anne and David are from Arkansas.  All of their family is up there and they have a family plot.  When David passed two years ago, we had him cremated and have kept his ashes at home on the idea that, when Anne passes, we would take them back home to be buried with the family.  That is where we are at now.  The problem is SIL is too ill to travel.  She can barely tolerate a trip across town much less a trip across the state.  And flying is completely out of the question.  On top of that, my wife is taking full time car of her sister (still taking chemo), so she is not sure she can go for an extended trip.  We are not sure what we will do at this stage, but we are working out tentative plans for a trip north.

I know a lot of you guys have dealt with this exact same situation and I admire how you handled it on your end.  Grieving comes hard for me.  I know in my mind and heart that this is inevitable, but, when it happens I am still never prepared.  

Catching up

Sorry for the lack of posts of late.  Given Dave's passing last weekend, being short handed at the office, and the normal holiday shenanigans, things have been somewhat disjointed and, quite frankly, I just haven't been in the blogging frame of mine.  I had hoped to play catch up over the past weekend and make the rounds to everyone's blogs, but got busy in the yard and spending time with the kids and family.  I took a small break from the computer this weekend.   

First of all, thanks everyone for your kind words and prayers.  Many of you have been down the same path and have dealt with the same issues.  Things have settled down somewhat, but it was still a tough pill to swallow.  My wife has been handling his passing fairly well, but her sister has been taking it bit harder.  Being a doctor, she knew this was inevitable and did everything she could to make him comfortable, but it still didn't make it any easier.  The last few months have been somewhat chaotic for everyone - I feel that Dave would not have wanted to be that way.  The daughters are focused upon their mom and her care.  I don't think they have told her of Dave's passing.  They are concerned how it would affect her health and, frankly, we're not sure if she would remember.  Not sure if I agree, but that is their call and I have no vote in that matter.  My fear is that she is not doing well and may not survive the year as well.  In the interim, they had Dave cremated.   Their plans are that, when Anne passes, we will take both their parents back to their home town in Arkansas to be buried with their parents/family.  It is getting harder to deal with aging parents.   

Speaking of aging parents, my mother (the road warrior) has to go the ER last week because of shortness of breath and lack of energy.  Her cardiologist indicated that her pacemaker (been in for 9 years) is starting to give up the ghost and would need to be replaced soon.  She was hoping it could wait until the fall when they get back from their summer travels, but the doc kindly insisted to have it done BEFORE they left.  Kind of a sudden deal, but they were trying not to make a big deal about it.  Given my background with a pacemaker company, I would agree but, still, it did give me a few more grey hairs.    I've personally attended two implants and have a pretty good idea on how the procedures goes.  Not as complicated as I had assumed.  Installing a replacement pacer nowadays is almost considered "out patient" unless there are complications.  The plan was to go in early on Tuesday, have it done and be home by that evening.  They were the first to arrive at the hospital at 0530 and by 0800, the waiting room was full.  They did not roll her into surgery until 1000 (I would have been peeved at the wait) and by 1130, she was done.  Pretty routine surgery (according to the doctor) and no complications issues.  Got a couple hospital visitors to see the nonagenarian lady getting a new device.  She even got to keep her old device as a souvenir   She was out and resting back home by late afternoon.  Doc said she should feel better almost immediately and should be able to travel by next week.  None of the drama like when they first put it in 9 years ago.  They still planning to head north for their annual gathering of the Airstream tribes in South Dakota.  Honestly, if it hadn't been for that small, annoying little procedure, they'd already be halfway to Sioux Falls, by now (her words).  Hard to keep up with those kids.  

The final chapter

It has been a long and emotional week.  My wife's father finally succumbed and passed away this afternoon.  Thursday they placed him on "active dying" status and 24 hour hospice care.  I had never heard of active dying but essentially it means that death was eminent.    My wife and her sister were with him for most of last few days.  He passed away quietly this afternoon.  David has been suffering form Alzheimer's for several years and it has been very painful/sad to see him slip away.  They've known this was coming for some time and were prepared for the inevitable, but it is still hard to say goodbye and emotions are very raw right now.  On one hand, the daughters are saddened that their daddy is no longer with them, but on the on the other hand, there is some mixed relief that he is no longer suffering and is in a better place.    

Death is the last chapter in time, but the first chapter in eternity.