Just one more mile (unedited)

Yes, I really did run this event.

I started out writing my thoughts about last weekend's run but, not wanting to offend anyone, I "modified" my comments for a more sedate audience. After many blocks with Grayson, he thought ya'll might like to hear my unvarnished comments on last weekend's escapade.

Heads up: this version is NOT PG rated. Read at your own risk.

Pre-Launch: Got my game face on. Getting geared up for the race. Oh shit. Broke my goddammed arm band 2 hours before the race. Aw shit. I totally don't need this. Sonafabitch. Panic mode sets in. Duct tape. Always a possible option. Wait a minute, I can drive through Walmart on the way down town and find another armband. Throw on my short & shoes and toss the extra gear in a bag and head out for the truck. Dog and wife are staying well out of my way (very smart). Pull into Walmart parking lot at 0510 and sprint inside to the electronics departmetn. Of course, they are cleaning the floors so I am having to slide down the isles to find the electronics department. And, of course, since I bought my iPod a year ago, it is out of date/production, so nothing on the shelves works for my version. Bastards. Do you really plan this crap? I really don't need this shit right now. Finally found some cheap ass, generic arm band that will hold my gear, grab hit and sprint for the check out (totally ignoring the looks I am getting from the Walmart workers. Sprint through the check out and jump back in truck and head downtown. Trying not to get a ticket, but I a wee bit over the posted limit. Lots of inbound traffic at 0545. I am not happy and get your butt out of my way. I hit the downtown interchange and traffic is at a standstill for the downtown exits (sonofabitch). Have to worm my way across three lanes of traffic to get to the exit and get to the downtown area. Of course, all parking spaces are gone and I am too cheap to pay $20 for a parking lot, so I cruise the downtown streets to find a spot along with everyone else. By the time I find a spot almost 3/4 mile away from the start, it is 0630. Spend 10 minutes trying to decide what I want to carry with me and leave behind and then head out to the convention center. By the time I hit the hall, all of the marathoners have headed off to the start line. By the time I got my geared stowed and headed out to the start line 1/2 mile away, it was close to start time. At least I am not standing around waiting for the starting gun.

Mile 1 - took almost 7 minutes from the gun sound until I actually crossed the start line. It's like herding cattle (as we lumber across the start line I am mooing). The biggest bitch I have is that, at the start, everyone is in my way. I am not trying to run over people, but, for the love of god, get out of my damn way. Either pick up the pace or get to the side. I spend most of my energy trying not to run up someone's ass or get run over. By the time we hit the viaduct, I am weaving through traffic like on an obstacle course. What galls me is that a lot of people are walking at this point. Geeeze. If you are going to walk, get to the back or side and let runners pass.

Mile 2 - breaking out of pack. Finally hitting a stride I can live with.

Mile 6 - nipples getting sore (again). I had prepped with some "body rub" crap I bought that was like rubbing wax on your body to prevent chafing, but at this point, my body is starting to warm up and complain. One of the support groups has vaseline on a stick and I grab some and liberally apply some as I keep running. Screw the dignity. Just glad they are not taking pictures at this point.

Mile 7 - bitch. If you are going to cross in front of me to get a water bottle from your husband/kid, at least give me some damn warning or do it behind me. Nothing like having to pull up short to keep from running your ass down. Give her my best Christopher Walken look.

Mile 9 - Do not eat animal crackers. Nice idea, stupid execution. Grabbed a handful as I passed a supporter and tossed a few in my mouth. After running 9 miles, forgot that my mouth was dry and animal crackers are like tossing sawdust in. Was choking for a few yards. Thanks for the thought.

Mile 10 - Oh, hell no. Was feeling all of 52. Starting to lose steam, slow down, walking a bit more and I get passed by a guy with manboobs. Musta been all of 275 lbs and bigger boobs than most of the female runners. Hell no. I don't care if I run my kneecaps off, there is no way I am coming in behind him.

Mile 12 - somebody tell me why they have to stick the camera shots on an uphill climb at the end of the race? Do you want to see me when I am sweaty/burnt out? This year, I knew enough to be prepared for the spot so I don't look too goofy, but, given the resulting shots, I don't think I was successful.

Mile 13 - final stretch and my hamstring is cramping up. Actually, it is my left ass check complaining but it sounds better if I tell everyone hamstring. I struggle to keep my pace across the finish line. Glad to be finally done. 2 hours, 21 minutes. At least 12 minutes off of last year's run. Not bad for an old. lazy fart.

Post race - Not as tired as last year. Actually, I feel kinda badass at this point. Ready to take on another 13 miles. If they had a sign up for next year, I would have done it. Pain has not set in yet.